This weekend is the finale of Season 2 of HBO’s 'Game of Thrones.' Meanwhile, we need a breather from the seriousness of Mavs business. So it's a fine time to wonder what would happen if the Mavs were to find themselves in George RR Martin’s mythical land of Westeros. More specifically: if these Mavs were to play the 'Game of Thrones,' which characters would they be?
Yes, it's Weekend Donuts: "Game of Thrones'' Edition, with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Note: I have read the books in the series but for those who have only watched the TV show, this piece will not spoil you in anyway as I will only discuss things that have been shown in the TV series and how they relate (I think humorously) to members of the Dallas Mavericks.
DONUT 1: Mark Cuban: Tywin Lannister – The wealthiest men in the realm. Mark and Tywin both command respect for having the deepest pockets and some of the shrewdest minds in the game. Not all of their decisions are perfect, but they seem to win far more than they lose.
DONUT 2: Donnie Nelson: Varys – Established, calculating power players who’ve survived multiple regimes due to their abilities. These men work subtly behind the scenes to achieve their ends and are masters of (trade) whispers.
DONUT 3: Rick Carlisle: Stannis Baratheon – Serious men who you’d follow into battle any day. Clever tacticians who you wouldn’t want to bet against. While Stannis embraces the power of media to spread his message, Carlisle has little use for our kind.
DONUT 4: Dirk Nowitzki: Jamie Lannister – Blonde, beautiful and deadly Kingslayers. Jamie Lannister slew Mad King Aerys Targaryen years ago while Nowitzki took down Pretend King LeBron James last June. Lannister’s acumen with a sword has won him fame and renown throughout Westeros while Nowitzki’s acumen with a basketball earned him a championship trophy, a finals MVP and renown throughout the league. Also, both are partially defined by the dubious women they’ve loved: Nowitzki with that Taylor woman and Lannister with his sister Cersei.
DONUT 5: Jason Terry: Danaerys Targaryean – Scrappy, vocal emotional leaders. The Jet is one of the most clutch fourth-quarter scorers in the league, believes himself a king and is not afraid to declare his own supremacy to anyone who will listen. Dany is the ‘Mother of Dragons,’ believes herself a queen and is not afraid to declare her supremacy to anyone who will listen. Both are facing a summer of uncertainty.
DONUT 6: Lamar Odom: Theon Greyjoy – Men with no home and a serious need for validation. Greyjoy was a hostage of House Stark, but never quite fit in and is now in over his head trying to earn the respect of his birth family, who view him as an outcast. Odom is an outcast from House Laker and viewed his time in Dallas as a hostage and now desperately wants to return to his former home.
DONUT 7: Shawn Marion: Bronn – Journeyman warriors (read: bad-asses) who can quip with the best of them. Clever defenders who use this skill to augment their furtive offensive games. Guys you want to have a drink with and definitely want to have your back.
DONUT 8: Jason Kidd: Lord Commander Mormont – Old Bears who have been through the wars and seen it all. Once-mighty warriors who have atrophied a bit with age. Now more concerned with training the next generation.
DONUT 9: Delonte West: Tyrion Lannister – Diminutive, clever, and unconventional. Socially misunderstood but widely renowned for their skill with women. Adept defenders who’ve mastered the sneak attack, but probably unfit to remain around heavy weaponry for too long.
DONUT 10: Brendan Haywood: Eddard Stark – Methodical to the point of plodding. Honorable men ultimately ill-equipped for longevity in the game. Just as Ned lost his head to the sword and didn’t make it to season two, Haywood might lose his to the Amnesty Provision could not be around next year. Also, both are atrocious off the dribble.
DONUT 11: Ian Mahinmi: Renley Baratheon – Vaguely European youths. Flamboyant dressers with a ambitious offensive arsenals but aren’t much use on defense. Affable personalities who naturally draw others to their side.
DONUT 12: Roddy B: Bran Stark – More boys than men who still have much to learn about their own powers. Tantalizing latent abilities that you keep hoping will develop. At times need to be carried by others to reach their full effectiveness.
DONUT 13: Vince Carter: Arya Stark – Surprisingly deadly, despite appearances. Carter is no longer fully “Half-Amazing,” but can still produce glimpses of the unstoppable force he was. Meanwhile, Arya has the ability to order the death of any she chooses, despite appearing as a harmless little girl. Both are to be respected.
DONUT 14: Brandan Wright: Jon Snow – Talented, good-natured, but oft-injured youths in need of some seasoning. Both trained in houses of prestige (Wright at North Carolina, Snow at Winterfell) and both could develop into something special if they can get out of their own way.
DONUT 15: Brian Cardinal: Hodor – Fan favorites of limited skill. Play their supporting roles to perfection. More brawn than brain. We can only lament that Brian doesn’t shout “CARDINAL,” every time he delivers a hard foul or buries a three.
DONUT 16: Some others, for fun:
Don Nelson: Robert Baratheon – Former kings with impressive accomplishments but whose love of merriment and drink has grown them portly in their latter years. Both clashed repeatedly with their previous bosses.
Gary Boren: Syrio Forel – Teachers of a specialized skill that often determines the difference between life and death. There is only one thing that Boren says to a FT% less than 80%: “Not Today.”
Chase Budinger: Lady Melissandre – Gingers of surprising skill. Budinger appeared in the Dunk Contest, and Melissandre gave birth to a Smoke Monster Assassin. Did anyone see either of those coming?
Kevin Garnett: Khal Drogo – Once the baddest warriors in all the realm. Unfortunately they have become little more than warm bodies in the twilight of their illustrious careers.
Tyson Chandler: Robb Stark – Brilliant marshals on the battlefield who are beloved by all who have served with them.
Matt Barnes: Joffrey Baratheon – Little sh*ts of dubious parentage that you hope get their comeuppance some day. Think they’re much badder than they are.